Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
