Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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