Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i wish my penis had a tongue
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
