I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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