My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
