I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
