If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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