There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
