Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
