Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The uberlube is also flammable
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
