Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
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Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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