Your face is a jimmy john
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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