My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
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We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
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When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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