Nicole vs. Life
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize