it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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