I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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