Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
nutella sex= disaster
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
