haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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