I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
