I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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