I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She's the barista slut.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
