My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
