Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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