my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
