I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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