I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
