I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
