did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
don't judge my taste in strippers
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
