my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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