WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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