yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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