the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
