True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
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Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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