I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
