"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
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That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
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Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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