i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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