I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
