did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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