He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
