Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
