I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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