Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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