I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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