Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
