she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
