In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
