Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
