Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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