Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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