why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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