so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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