Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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