ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
