Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
