Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
