Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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