My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
